we turned dreidel into a drinking game. i kept landing on gimel. im glad we have 7 more nights of this
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
Randomize
