Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The Olympian is in my bed
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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