Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
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