To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
Just a warning... Flip, sip, or strip always ends in all participants being naked. Learning from experience.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
