Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
other girls like to lick balls but none of them live for it like u do
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
