THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
Randomize
