tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
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