If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
