Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
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Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
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It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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