Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Randomize
