Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
