You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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