apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
Share, now.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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