i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
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