Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
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