I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
Randomize
