mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
Randomize
