He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
Randomize
