How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
Randomize