She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
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