When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
Randomize
