My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
I think I have vodka in my lungs
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
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