I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
i have yet to find a random guy that would make me want to do any position besides missionary, these are what normal people call "applying standards"
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
Randomize
