he got wood on it!
i know. i had to sit in his lap on the plane. he also wore teva sandals.
...i was talking about hockey
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
