Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
