i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
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