so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
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