Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
