Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
i think we should start 2012 by becoming clean and sober for awhile and buckle down
ppsyche im wasted where are you
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Randomize
