How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
Randomize
