Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
Randomize
