Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
How fat would you say she has to be before I can consider this a threesome
It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
