I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
