the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
Two words: blizzard sex
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
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