I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
Randomize
