found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
Randomize
