Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
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