: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
Randomize
