I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
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