I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
Randomize
