we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
do you think that identical twins have the same size junk? i just want to know your opinion before i find out.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
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