I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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