Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
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Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
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Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
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