So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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