Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Randomize
