the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
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I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
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I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.