My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Randomize
