This dress was meant to end up on your floor
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
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