I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Randomize
