and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
I think it really helped to be hungover at accepted students day. it gave me a good feel for how it would be everyday if I go there.
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
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