weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Randomize
