She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
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