he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
