it felt great physically, but AWFUL morally.
me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Randomize
