Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
Randomize
